Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
