What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
