Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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