I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
