who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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