Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
