You smell like a Billy Joel song
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
