i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
