Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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