....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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