i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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