Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
