mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
