apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
