then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
