her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize