I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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