the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
