we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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