I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
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Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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