I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
