How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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