He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
