My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
