I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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