I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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