Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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