I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
