I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Randomize
