My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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