You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
