tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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