I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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