I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
