Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
