i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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