I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
