its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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