After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
