why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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