She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
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can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
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I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.