I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.