I CAN MOONWALK!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.