I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin