I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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