ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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