I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
