dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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