Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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