I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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