He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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