it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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