My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
