apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
