I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
