her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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