i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
