Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
