I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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