apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
